“Not my child.” We’ve all said or thought it, at one time or another. But then our actual walking, talking, opinionated toddler comes along to remind us, it happens to everyone. Before you’re coping with a tiny ball of emotion who might not have the verbal skills to tell you what’s wrong yet, it’s easy to say that your child would never wail their way through a restaurant. Dump their dinner on the floor. Hit somebody.
Hitting, kicking, and biting are at the top of a lot of parents’ “my child would never” lists, but the truth is that toddlers have a strong desire to be independent, but lack control over their emotions, instincts, and language. As a result, it’s common for toddlers to have physical outbursts. Hitting, biting or kicking usually peak around age 2 or 3, when a toddler’s verbal skills can’t always keep up with what they are feeling. The good news is that when a toddler has a physical moment, it isn’t any kind of reflection on the kind of kiddo they are or your parenting.
Why do toddlers hit?
There are a lot of specific reasons toddlers get upset, from “He stole my toy!” to lashing out when they’re overtired or hungry. But why do some toddlers tend to cry, while others let it go, and yet others start throwing punches? While all kiddos will get physical at some point, it’s definitely more of a challenge for some families. And there isn’t always an easy answer as to why! A few things to keep in mind.They do not fully understand that hitting can hurt, only that it gets a reaction, and the reaction is interesting or even funny. Toddlers are just learning a little bit about cause and effect, so they can’t always connect their actions to what will happen next (even some adults struggle with this!).
In general, toddlers hit because they have feelings too big for their bodies, and they want to let out that feeling – but don’t know how to talk about it in words yet, and often don’t have other coping mechanisms that are more socially acceptable (like walking away, talking to a trusted adult, etc). Learning your child’s triggers can help prevent an episode, and giving them alternative ways to cope can also help you all thrive during this phase.
How can I discourage hitting?
There is no one way to discourage toddler hitting that works for every family but through trial and error, and lots of practice – you will find a way to help your child through these tough moments.
- If they’re hitting to get your attention: Depending on your child’s temperament, there are a few different ways to deal with hitting as a way of getting attention. Some children, especially younger toddlers, react well to having their energy (and sometimes their hands) redirected. Saying “Give me a high-five instead!” might not feel like enough, but it can be effective as long as it’s paired with a teaching moment, to show your little one that it’s important to use gentle hands with the people in their life.
Another effective strategy for a hitting moment is to let your kiddo know you’re there – with some authority. “I can’t let you hit me/him/her.” And lift/remove them out of the situation. This teaches a boundary and lets them know you’re there to help them navigate a tough situation. They can have your attention, but you’re also not going to let them hit. Whatever you do, it’s important to note that hitting back, yelling, time outs, or telling a child they are bad won’t teach them not to hit. Instead, it teaches them that it’s okay to yell or hit when you’re upset, that they need to deal with their emotions alone, and that their emotions are not okay.
It can also be helpful to look at those situations from their perspective. Are you on your phone more than usual? Are you having to work from home? Toddlers will do whatever they can to connect with you – including hitting.
- If they are lashing out when they are angry: If hitting is how they are channeling their anger, it’s helpful to try to redirect that anger. When anger makes children feel agitated, giving them something physical to do can be an effective kind of redirection, like encouraging them to stomp their feet or run around outside when they have some extra anger to burn off. That’s only a first part of teaching your toddler how to channel their feelings, though, and by narrating emotions, and encouraging them to express themself in words, or even by drawing an angry picture, you can help them transition to more positive ways of showing you their anger. Parents and other caregivers can be role models for more acceptable ways to deal with anger by channeling negative emotions into actions and conversations, instead of lashing out or yelling. It is tough to teach children that all emotions are okay, especially if you weren’t encouraged to do this growing up!
- If they hit other children: If your toddler is turning their hitting on other children, some of the same strategies apply, but it’s also most important to keep other children from getting hurt. Parents can prevent further hitting by lovingly but immediately removing their child from the situation, and modeling an apology to that child. Chances are that your child will not be ready to apologize in the moment, but they will hear a positive example of how to repair. . The more predictable a parent’s response is to negative behavior, the easier it is for a child to learn a boundary without fear or shame. They are not a bad kiddo for having a tough moment. Once your child is calm, you can encourage them to “check on their friend.” Kids are often much quicker to move on from these interactions than we expect..
Keep in mind that if your toddler usually hits in the same type of environment, like a playgroup or music class – they may be overwhelmed! Some kids are naturally more sensitive to certain environments, and while some kiddos will cling to a parent in this scenario – others will feel so out of control that they’ll hit. It’s okay to skip certain activities that may be a big trigger!
Hitting episodes don’t last forever, and parents who set consistent boundaries and offer alternatives may see fewer of them. It’s easy to feel confused and embarrassed when your child lashes out on the playground, but it’s a normal phase, and staying calm and consistent in your response is key. Displaying grace towards yourself and children who hit (yours or someone else’s) isn’t easy, but repeating phrases like “This kid is having a hard time, this is a good kid” can really help in the moment.
If you’re concerned about hitting, your child’s pediatrician may be able to work with you to figure out strategies for dealing with hitting, or pinpoint an underlying cause.
Reviewed by the Ovia Health Clinical Team
Sources
- Laura Markham. “21 month old hitting other kids.” AhaParenting. Dr. Laura Markham, 2016. Web.
- “Q&A: Toddler and Hitting: My Son Hits and Pushes Other Kids.” The Next Family. The Next Family, April 29 2011. Web.
- Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: a guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Unabridged. [New York], HarperCollins.
