Whether you really hit it off with your surrogate or gestational carrier, or you had a more friendly and respectful but distant relationship, the truth is that for months and months, your family and your surrogate or gestational carrier’s family were strongly and intimately tied together, and now that Baby is born, that relationship is due to change. Some new parents choose to have their relationship with their surrogate come to an end with the end of the pregnancy, and that’s a perfectly healthy, normal choice to make, as long as it’s something both intended parents and surrogate or gestational carrier have communicated clearly. On the other hand, though, some families want to maintain that unique relationship between their newly expanded family and the surrogate or gestational carrier who helped to make that family possible.
Keeping this relationship going is definitely possible – again, as long as both sides of the relationship have talked about it and feel good about it – but it’s not something that’s going to happen on its own. All relationships take time and effort to maintain, and the relationship between new parents and their surrogate or gestational carrier is no different.
Think about your level of involvement
‘Staying in touch’ can mean any number of things to different people – anything from staying friends on social media to having a monthly dinner together. This variation is why, even though a significant amount of your relationship with your surrogate or gestational carrier is going to continue to develop organically, it’s also useful to specifically talk about what your family and your surrogate or gestational carrier want this relationship to look like moving forward.
It may also be helpful to keep in mind that there’s a good chance that, unless your family’s relationship with your surrogate or gestational carrier has been especially intense, some of the contact your families have will eventually start to trail off. This is natural, and if your surrogate or gestational carrier is also a parent, she’s absolutely going to understand the way things can get busy when you have a young child – in fact, her family’s busyness will also play a role in the ebb and flow of contact as both of your families grow.
A slow-down of contact over time may be more likely for families and surrogates or gestational carriers who live further apart, but is also perfectly natural in families who live relatively close together. If your families have talked about staying in touch, but you find yourselves having a harder time connecting, or finding the time to stay in closer touch as time goes on, smaller commitments like social media, holiday cards, and the occasional texted photo can be a great stopgap. After all, sharing pictures that show your family’s happiness is a great way to thank your surrogate or gestational carrier by reminding her what she went on this journey for – the chance to help build a happy, healthy, thriving family.