If your surrogate or gestational carrier has a partner, there’s a good chance that they’ve been almost as much a part of your surrogacy journey as the person who physically carried your child. And if you and your surrogate or gestational carrier have decided to stay in touch now that your little one has arrived, you may find yourself wanting to maintain that relationship. But while your relationship with your surrogate or gestational carrier will always have an easy tie – no matter what, there’s a good chance that you’ll both want to chat for a few minutes about Baby, or even just send a picture now and then – the basis for maintaining your relationship with your surrogate or gestational carrier’s family might not feel so clear-cut.
One thing to keep in mind is that, first of all, it’s up to you and your partner and your surrogate or gestational carrier and her partner to discuss how and whether you’re comfortable staying in touch, and made sure that’s something you all want and are comfortable with. While some families form deep bonds, lasting bonds with their gestational carriers’ and their gestational carriers’ families, many others form relationships that are just as important, but are only made to last through the specific adventure of pregnancy before relaxing into something much lighter. Either of these is a fine, healthy way to go, as long as everyone involved knows what they’re getting into and feels good about it.
One great way to keep in touch with your surrogate or gestational carrier, her partner, and her family, is to make your contact family-based – if your surrogate and her partner have kids, send the kids birthday cards or gifts; send out family holiday cards; if you live in the same area as your surrogate’s family, offer to trade babysitting now and then. Family is what brought you and your partner together with your surrogate or gestational carrier and her family, after all, and showing that you care about theirs just as they care about yours is a great way to bond.
It may feel like your surrogate is the one who has the biggest stake in hearing about what new skills Baby learned, or what new steps (metaphorical or literal!) they took, but everybody loves baby pictures! You can stay in touch by sharing the reason your surrogate or gestational carrier’s family came into your life, and offering the rest of the family the sight of that gummy grin and those chubby cheeks.
Expect ebb and flow
Every relationship changes over time, and this is especially true for young families, which can go through dizzyingly busy stages. Falling out of touch doesn’t have to be forever though, and even if either your family, your surrogate or gestational carrier’s family, or both, lose the thread of your conversation, that doesn’t mean you can’t pick it up again later.