Teaching your toddler about his body is one of the most important parenting jobs you have. From naming body parts to talking about appropriate touch, he begins to learn about consent and body autonomy at a very young age. So when a relative asks Baby for a hug—and he says “no”— what should you do?
Does your child have to hug relatives?
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, parents should not force children to give hugs or kisses to people they do not want to, even grandparents. The AAP encourages parents to constantly reinforce the idea that a toddler’s body is his own, and he can protect it. If you ask Baby to hug his grandparents goodbye and he says no (either with words or body language), it’s important to honor his wishes.
Establishing your rules
Parents need to ask themselves, “Do I expect my child to hug or kiss a relative just because I say so?” If the answer is “no,” it’s important to then talk with Baby about what may happen during greetings and goodbyes beforehand, so you have the opportunity to explain to him (without doing so while standing in front of the relative), why it’s his choice to pick how he wants to show affection.
Ways to communicate your preferences to family
Explaining your wishes to friends and family is crucial if you want them to respect your decision to not force your child to give hugs. Being confident and kind in your approach with relatives, increases the chance they will hear you and honor your rules.
And while some people may not understand your policy at first, most will agree that respect should not be equated with consenting to unwanted physical contact. A relative who understands this way of thinking will be more than happy with a verbal “goodbye,” followed by a wave or high-five.
Alternatives to hugs
Ask Baby to wave goodbye and say “see you next time.” He can also give a high-five, handshake, or fist bump, if you still want him to respond with more than a verbal goodbye. Drawing a picture ahead of time for a relative you are visiting is another way for your child to show he cares. And when you’re with family, you can simply ask him, “Would you like to give grandma a hug, handshake, or a high-five?” All of the choices show respect to the adult and allows your child to express his feelings.
Refusing physical affection should not be equated with bad manners. Children can (and should) be polite and respectful while still maintaining their own personal boundaries. If we force children to show physical affection when they’re uncomfortable, we take the chance they will begin to ignore their own intuition.
And if you are still in need of guidance about what to do, it’s always best to consult with your child’s pediatrician on how to proceed.
About the author:
Sara Lindberg is a freelance writer focusing on parenting, health, and wellness. She is passionate about all things fitness and health and loves spending time with her husband, daughter, and son.
- Kendra Moyses. “Should you force your child to show affection to relatives?” Michigan State University Extension. Michigan State University, January 12 2017. Retrieved July 11 2017. http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/should_you_force_your_child_to_show_affection_to_relatives.
- “Sexual Behaviors in Young Children: What’s Normal, What’s Not.” Healthy Children. American Academy of Pediatrics, June 19 2016. Retrieved July 11 2017. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/Pages/Sexual-Behaviors-Young-Children.aspx.