Finding the discipline techniques that work for you and your child can be challenging. When children hit toddlerhood, time-outs are one choice for setting boundaries around behavior. Once they get older, parents may shift to other techniques, but time-outs may still be helpful.
Both adults and children can benefit from removing themselves from certain situations. It’s helpful to have a few minutes to breathe and recenter, and that’s what a time-out is designed to do. Plus, when done correctly, it’s a skill your kiddo will use for the rest of their life.
Some space gives kids the chance to calm down, learn that there are consequences to their actions, and reflect on what happened to put them in time-out. Here are some guidelines and techniques for handling time-outs.
Why a time-out?
Time-outs can be used for a number of reasons, including breaking up fights, moving away from a dangerous activity, or to calm down your child. They are also a great way to help your older child learn from their mistakes because it gives them the time and space to reflect.
Do’s and Don’ts
When using a time-out, it’s important that you set clear expectations about what behavior is expected. It’s also important to make sure that the time-out is not too long or too short, as this can make it less effective. Generally, a time-out should last between one and fifteen minutes, depending on your child’s age. Make sure the environment is calm, quiet, and safe. Some children naturally retreat to a certain space, like their bedroom, or you can designate a safe space. Some parents put calming lights, books about feelings, or stuffed animals to hug/squish in this area.
There is some debate about whether time-outs should be done solo or with the support of a parent. More recent thinking and expertise say that kids, especially younger ones, often need help understanding what happened before a time-out and even their own emotions. Many kids can benefit from parent support during this time. We never want kids to feel like they have to be alone to deal with their feelings or that they’re bad kids for having big feelings or making a mistake.
Learning a valuable lesson
Older children may be able to talk through why a time-out happened after it is over, although this skill isn’t common until well into the school years. Younger children have much shorter memories and may just become upset again if they have to relive the entire experience. If it’s appropriate, at the end of the time-out, talk to your child about why they were in time-out. This helps to reinforce the lesson and will help them come to their own understanding about why they were in time-out. If they know they need to discuss this with you after each time-out, they’ll hopefully be encouraged to take their reflection time seriously.
Take the proper time to explain why they were put in time-out, and don’t be vague. Being specific can help them understand what behavior was not acceptable. After the time-out, your kiddo may be feeling a bit sensitive. Try to let go of any remaining negative feelings you have and start fresh. A big hug or reminder of how proud you are of them never hurts.
Overall, you may find that time-outs are effective for older children. By setting clear expectations, using appropriate time limits, and discussing the behavior afterward, you can help your child learn important lessons about proper boundaries. Giving your kiddo the space and help to calm down is the ultimate goal of a time-out.
Sources
“Discipling older children.” Healthy Children, AAP Nov. 21, 2015 https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Older-Children.aspx
“Are Time-outs harmful to children?” Childmind Institute, Oct. 30, 2023 https://childmind.org/article/are-time-outs-harmful-kids/
